If it ain't broke, don't fix it. But if it is...

2010-07-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I kinda wanted to hang out at home, but I was with my mom, who had a meeting with her grief support grief at church, so I decided I would simply go to the building, hang out, bring a book and my crochet stuff, and chill.
It is totally cool when God decides to make other plans for you.

Early in the evening, I noticed this piece of art hanging on the wall. I've never noticed it before, but heck, I haven't ever looked. If you'll note, it was written during Holy Week 2005, only weeks after Laurie's suicide. It was then that I had this sneaking suspicion that God was asking me firmly for some conversation.

So I wandered the building, eerily quiet. Such a different place without faces.

Eventually, I found myself sitting in the corner of the sanctuary...and heard him. "Welcome to My Sanctuary." More than a literal place, so much more. He invited me to breathe in his sanctuary....

It was a good night. More than I ever dreamed. Closer than I could have ever imagined. Peace that passes all understanding. I saw, felt, breathed, believed, loved His power.

Broken I may be, but He meets me where I am at...in His Sanctuary.

Flight 1978: East to West to My Heart to Your Heart...nonstop.

2010-04-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

They are asleep now, Lord, but you know that. You are holding them, and whispering to them with each breath that they take.

"You have purpose."
"You are loved."
"You are beautifully, wonderfully, fearfully made."
"You should rest now, because I have unbelievable and unimaginable plans for you..."

Kylie. Rylan. Isaiah. Maya. Sarah. Denver. Joe. Andy. Jack.

And those are only the ones that I can see...

Those are the ones You have put to my care.
Those are the precious children that You have put in my direct path.

My cry tonight is not for them, but for the ones You have entrusted to me...but have not placed unto me in my direct path.
The ones that you have been putting on my heart for so long, yet never given me thier names, or thier faces, or thier breath.

Tonight I pray, and weep, and laugh, and offer You deep praise for them...

Will I ever see those faces? Selfishly, Lord, You know my prayer...but I submit.

I will await Your word.

Revelation.

2010-02-11T23:15:00.000-08:00

I love that word that You gave us...Revelation.

Reveal. Revealing.
Revelation.

"To make known by supernatural or divine means."

I love that You have made it Your desire to be known to us, to reveal, to be known by supernatural, divine means.

What, my Lord, have You to reveal to me today?

I have a feeling it is going to be good...

2009-12-25T21:39:00.000-08:00

Emmanuel.

God With Us.

So how thick-headed must I be to still wonder?

This moment, I write because I know You have used this as a perfect medium in which to reach me, and I really, really want to be reached tonight.

I shouldn't have to seek a medium, but I am human... You are God.

I shouldn't have to wonder, but I am human...You are God.

I shouldn't have to want to be reached, but I am human...You are God.

You are God...You ARE a medium.

You are God...You ARE wonder.

You are God...You are reaching as far as I need, as far as the east is from the west...

Emmanuel. God With Us.

Emmanuel, I am lonely for them. I am trying with every bit of me that is human to be safe, be wise, be present, but it is not enough. I need you so that I can be safe, so that I can be wise, so that I can be present. I need you to give me the super to my human.

Emmanuel, I am selfishly, humanly lonely for them. I crave them in a human way, because that is the medium in which You have placed me...human feeling. You gave them to me, You created them and sculpted them and enriched them with Your outstanding love and breath and placed them in my womb. You gifted me with the ability to feel a glimpse of the heart-bursting, mind-boggling, indescribably uncontainable overwhelming kind of love that You have for me...You made me their mother.

Emmanuel, I am lonely for them despite my unwavering belief that You are not lonely for them...that You are with them. That You are Emmanuel to them, as You are to me. I am human enough to know that I am begging of You something that is more than. I am human enough to know that asking You to give me some peace tonight requires more than being human. I am human enough to know that asking You to help me understand will take more than just the human heart/mind/soul that I am. I am human enough to ask for the peace that passes understanding. I am human enough to know that You are (literally) dying to give it to me.

Tonight, Emmanuel, I am lonely for them, for their human love, for their kisses and hugs and "I love you, Mama" and "open them, close them, fold them in your lap...Dear God, thank you for this day and for our family. We love You. Amen."

Emmanuel, WE are lonely for them. I look, at this very moment, at the amazingly beautiful sleeping faces of the three that are here, with me, and feel the blending of feelings You have so wisely designed. I see the closed eyes of the boy with the soft heart that hates to be late, whose heart dances when he gets to spend time with his cousins, who is learning to read, and pray, and can barely wait the one more year until he is old enough to go to camp. I see the sleeping breath of the girl who melts hearts with her smile, who proudly shares her grandmother's sense of fashion, who tenderly read a letter aloud from her aunt who had Christmas gifted her with the opportunity to donate a coat to a needy child and gently pronounced that it was her absolute favorite gift of the season. I see the quiet sleepy mumbling of the passionate boy who You are teaching to be merciful, who amazes us all with his incredible knowledge unfitting for a boy of his age, who is working so hard to hear You despite the challenge in his brain that You have gifted him with. I see these three, and I know Love. I see them and I know Love, and I am gifted with a glimpse of the insatiable desire that You have, the desire to see all of Your children home, with You. Your love for the blessed children that are safely under Your wing is separate, and unrelated to the desire You have to remain lonely for the ones that are not clinging to you yet.

Emmanuel, I am lonely for them. I am lonely tonight for the twins, the two that You surprised me with. I am lonely for the one whom You have clearly given the gift of wit, whose charming smile has yet to fail him, whose incredible sense of compassion that You have placed in him already takes away breath, and invigorates us with eagerness to see the ways that You will use him. I am lonely for the one whom You have blessed with a sense of internal strength so bold, the girl that You chose to bear Your gift of tenderness mixed with ferocity that breath is stolen when we imagine the conquests You have in mind for her, journeys that will require both her soft, pink, girly sense of compassion and her brazen, strong, empowered gift to refuse to accept the impossible. It is obvious to all of us that witness these two that You have great things planned for them, and for us through them.

Emmanuel, tonight I am lonely for them.

Emmanuel. God With Us.

God With Them.

Tonight, Emmanuel, be with them. I don't understand why they are not with me, but I know that you are Emmanuel, that You are with them, and that is enough. It is enough to know that You are God, and You are with them. You are God, and I am human. I am human, and I am lonely for them...

I am human...made in Your image.

Your image, the image of the Lord, the Lord made to the human image.

Jesus. The human image.

The human image of God come to human form, so many years ago.

The human image of God, shown in glory today, by us.

Thank You. Thank You, Lord, for what You did this day...You took humans, who never deserved to know any better, and showed us that You knew better, by becoming human. Thank You for redemption, granted this day. Thank You for fervently, restlessly, unfailingly, without exception, boldly seeking us, each and every one of us, to be Emmanuel. God WITH us.

Thank You, Lord, for being, and staying, with us.

Thank You for staying with them.

Tonight, Lord....Emmanuel. Tonight I am lonely for them. Tonight, I pray, and beg, and pray again...please bring them home.

Emmanuel...

The way that you answer...

2009-10-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

(Sometimes He answers with a playlist on shuffle...)

Today, it is all closer to home.

"Empty again, sunken down so far.
So scared to fall, might not get up again.
So I lay at Your feet all my brokenness...
I carry all of my burdens to You...

All of these things are held up in vain,
No reason, no rhyme, just the scars that remain.
All of these things are so much afraid,
Scared out of my mind by the demons I've made...

Sweet Jesus, You never ever let me go...
Oh sweet Jesus, never ever let me go...

So happy to love, yet so far to go.
You lead me on to where I've never been before..."

Tonight, I wonder Lord, where are You leading me? What are You showing me? What do You have to teach me tonight, sweet Jesus? Please, please, please God, maybe can I have just-a-little-bit-of-the-answer tonight?

I'm not asking the world, am I? Not the whole world, but it is my whole world You are shaking to the very core, and I am begging now, please a bit of hope...

Please...a bit of where-You-are-leading-me
Please...a bit of what-You-are-showing-me
Please...a bit of what-You-have-to-teach-me
Please...please...please...

Please, I beg, Lord, because I don't understand. I trust You with my entirety, but I don't understand. I trust You with my life, with my heart, with my children, with each-and-every-thing-that-I-love-because You-love-me-more...
Please, I beg, Lord, because tonight I am hurting.
Please, I beg, Lord, because tonight I am hurting, and I don't understand...

"To everyone whose hurting,
To those who've had enough,
To all the undeserving,
That should cover all of us...

Please do not let go...
I promise there is hope...

Hold fast, help is on the way,
Hold fast, 'cause God will save the day.
What I've learned in my life,
The one thing greater than my strife is His grasp,
So hold fast..."

I am holding tightly to Your promises. In my blessed moment of need, I will cling to your promises.

I am clinging to I-am-with-you-and-will-watch-over-you-wherever-you-go, and-I-will-bring-you-back-to-this-land. I-will-not-leave-you-until-I-have-done-what-I-have-promised-you.

I am clinging to we-know-that-God-causes-all-things-to-work-together-for-good-to-those-who-love-God, to-those-who-are-called-according-to-His-purpose.

I am clinging to for-I-know-the-plans-I-have-for-you, declares-the-LORD, plans-to-prosper-you-and-not-to-harm-you, plans-to-give-you-hope-and-a-future.

I am clinging to come-near-to-God-and-He-will-come-near-to-you.

I am clinging to I-will-instruct-you-and-teach-you-in-the-way-you-should-go; I-will-counsel-you-and-watch-over-you.

Are you watching? Do you see what is here, Lord? Do you see what is happening to the people that I love? (...that you love...more than I could ever know...more than I could ever even imagine?)

"Have you any idea how beautiful you are?
That in a million years, I could not love you more?
Like the sun can only shine so bright in the auburn sky,
You will never be abandoned,
I will never leave you stranded,
I will die to find a way to reach you...

There is no ocean deep enough,
No mountain high or steep enough,
To keep Me away from you...
There is no highway long enough,
No river wide or strong enough,
To keep Me away from you..."

Hmmm. Really?
Even though?
Even though I come to you as such a broken mess?
Even though I bring to you a heap of pain, and failure, and things-I-wish-I-would-have-done-better?
Even though?

Maybe you don't know what I am asking...
Let's break that down...

What-I-am-asking...

I:
Human.
Failed.
Selfish.
Cruel.
Judgemental.
Angry.
Bitter.
Broken.
Shameful.

Asking:
Miracle.

"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain,
Holy, Holy is He...
Sing a new song to Him who sits on heaven's mercy seat.

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty,
Who was, and is, and is to come...
With all creation I sing,
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything,
And I will adore you..."

Holy. Worthy. Almighty.

You, God, are all.

You are all.
The Beginning.
The End.
The All.

You are all, and you are able, and capable, and willing...
You are All.

You are All.
You are Healing.
You are Power.
You are Majesty.
You are Amazing.
You are Beauty.
You are Strength.
You are Grace.
You are Mercy....

You are Mercy.

Mercy: When you deserve justice, but instead receive grace.

How is this? What is this? Mercy? Our words, our actions, our thoughts, our movement, our every-single-breath deserves justice, swift and fierce, but in the same breath, You and Your Love and Grace deliver us mercy. Mercy.

Mercy.

How amazing?
How breathtaking?
How unreal?
How undeserved?
How great?

"The splendor of our King, clothed in majesty,
Let all the earth rejoice....
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide,
It trembles at His voice...

How Great is our God?
Sing with me...
How Great is our God?

Age to age He stands,
Time is in His hands...
Beginning and the End...
The Godhead, three in one,
Father, Spirit, and Son,
The Lion and the Lamb...

How Great is our God?

Name above all names,
Worthy of all praise,
My heart will sing How Great is our God!!!!"

"Much Afraid" Jars of Clay
"Hold Fast" MercyMe
"No Ocean Deep Enough" Paul Alan
"Revelation Song" Karie Jobe
"How Great is Our God?" Chris Tomlin

Genesis 28:15
Romans 8:28
Jeremiah 29:11
James 4:8

Psalm 32:8

2009-10-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God.

When I say that, I really don't mean it in a "valley-girl-Paris-Hilton-gen-x-Kardashian" sort of manner, I mean it in a truly fall-to-my-knees-and-beg-the-ear-of-my-God sort of way.

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

My God. My most high, most holy, most majestic, most worthy, most can't-even-find-the-word-for-it God...You are here. You are beside me as I write these words, You are present as I feel the overwhelming need to put voice to my deepest heart again.

You...You are the reason, the only reason, I know to cling to. You are beyond human reason, beyond human understanding, beyond an answer, and I will simply cease my childish antics and leave the tantrums behind. I will stop pretending that there is a human voice that will have an answer that supersedes Your wisdom, stop yielding to the idea that man-knows-best because the reality is screaming to the obvious...man. does. not. know. best................

man keeps dying...

we keep dying.....

children keep dying....

women keep dying....

men keep dying....

sweet, squishy babies with their soft skin and sweet smell keep dying...

little blond girls with blue eyes keep being sold, and raped, and keep dying...

precious brown-skinned boys keep being enslaved and beaten and keep dying...

There is a part of me that wants to call out to you, God, and scream... "do you hear me?!? Do you hear them, Lord?!?"

And then that same part of me is quieted, and comforted by with, what I can only imagine...

what I hope, and pray, and beg...

and beg...

and beg...

and beg...

everything.

Everything.

Everything that You promised.

Everything that You promised.

Every single thing that you have ever promised, and promise me today, and will promise FOREVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...........................
and ever.

Amen.

Everything that You have ever offered, and given, and promised...the very same thing that You have given to me....

What You have given to me....

What-You-have-given-to-me...

What-You-have-given-to-me...

What-You-have-given-to-me...

What-You-have-given-to-me...

and then a whisper...what you have given to me....

What-You-have-given-to-me is the gift that You give to them...

You give that gift to all of us.

You give the gift to me, and to them, and to her, and to him....

You give to us a whisper...

That is what you answer with... a whisper.

I hear Your whisper, and it is that whisper that has brought me to write here for the first time in...well, ever...

Awestruck by your power....

"Do you hear them, Lord?!?"

And through Your unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming way-of-uttering-adjectives-useless-in-any-other-way... You breathe into me the hope that these precious, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, words-don't-quite-grasp-the-pure-gravity-of-the-worth-of-their-being babies of Yours...they matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to me.
They matter to me. They matter to me.
They matter to me.

Dear God, I hit my knees at this very moment and beg of you one thing...that they will matter to me. In this moment, without doubt and without any thought for anything else, I beg that you will give me your heart...

Give me Your heart, Lord...

Give me Your heart, Lord, so that when I hear the names of each of these children, it will absolutely and entirely break me. I beg You...break me, Lord.

Break me for You, Lord...

Break me for Your children, Lord...

Break me for Your will, Lord...

I beg you to break me beyond repair, so that I will never again live a single day that
I do not weep for Your children, the ones that You have not yet brought me to...

Break me.........................................

Break me daily.

Daily, break me.

Daily, I beg of You, Lord, break me....

Daily, I beg of you, Lord, break me...

Break me, Lord, so that I will somehow find a way that I might fulfill your will here. Break me so that I will daily feel the pain of human suffering, and abandonment, and shame....so that I will feel them outside of my sheltered existence....Break me so that the pain that your precious children who are trapped beneath fear's roof feel is finally brought to someone who deserves it, but has somehow been spared....by divine grace.

Let me show Divine Grace in each and every breath that I ever take....

I will rest now, resting only in the knowledge that You are waiting...
You are waiting to let me find You, so that I will be fully available to You, with no part of me held back, all of me at Your beck and call, so that Your will should finally be fulfilled in me.................finally...........

2009-02-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

"You have got to start somewhere," she said, and I am right between "on to something" and "nowhere at all" so it seems like I am finally in the right place for once.

I don't have the words yet. I have tried, and tried hard, to find the ways to say all the things that I am wearing in my heart, but I haven't yet found the way to put them all together so that they present the right picture. Sometimes when I explain it, it just seems small, even insignificant. Other times it doesn't seem believable, and still other times, I don't even get it all out, because there is so much to say, I just run off in another direction.

I want to share my stuff now, finally. I want to tell my story, and maybe even learn from it. I want to examine, and explain, and extricate all the junk that has cluttered up this mess we call Katie, even if just to know I have done it...examined, explained, extricated, lived.

..