The way that you answer...

(Sometimes He answers with a playlist on shuffle...)



Today, it is all closer to home.


"Empty again, sunken down so far.
So scared to fall, might not get up again.
So I lay at Your feet all my brokenness...
I carry all of my burdens to You...


All of these things are held up in vain,
No reason, no rhyme, just the scars that remain.
All of these things are so much afraid,
Scared out of my mind by the demons I've made...


Sweet Jesus, You never ever let me go...
Oh sweet Jesus, never ever let me go...


So happy to love, yet so far to go.
You lead me on to where I've never been before..."




Tonight, I wonder Lord, where are You leading me? What are You showing me? What do You have to teach me tonight, sweet Jesus? Please, please, please God, maybe can I have just-a-little-bit-of-the-answer tonight?


I'm not asking the world, am I? Not the whole world, but it is my whole world You are shaking to the very core, and I am begging now, please a bit of hope...


Please...a bit of where-You-are-leading-me
Please...a bit of what-You-are-showing-me
Please...a bit of what-You-have-to-teach-me
Please...please...please...


Please, I beg, Lord, because I don't understand. I trust You with my entirety, but I don't understand. I trust You with my life, with my heart, with my children, with each-and-every-thing-that-I-love-because You-love-me-more...
Please, I beg, Lord, because tonight I am hurting.
Please, I beg, Lord, because tonight I am hurting, and I don't understand...




"To everyone whose hurting,
To those who've had enough,
To all the undeserving,
That should cover all of us...


Please do not let go...
I promise there is hope...


Hold fast, help is on the way,
Hold fast, 'cause God will save the day.
What I've learned in my life,
The one thing greater than my strife is His grasp,
So hold fast..."


I am holding tightly to Your promises. In my blessed moment of need, I will cling to your promises.


I am clinging to I-am-with-you-and-will-watch-over-you-wherever-you-go, and-I-will-bring-you-back-to-this-land. I-will-not-leave-you-until-I-have-done-what-I-have-promised-you.


I am clinging to we-know-that-God-causes-all-things-to-work-together-for-good-to-those-who-love-God, to-those-who-are-called-according-to-His-purpose.


I am clinging to for-I-know-the-plans-I-have-for-you, declares-the-LORD, plans-to-prosper-you-and-not-to-harm-you, plans-to-give-you-hope-and-a-future.


I am clinging to come-near-to-God-and-He-will-come-near-to-you.


I am clinging to I-will-instruct-you-and-teach-you-in-the-way-you-should-go; I-will-counsel-you-and-watch-over-you.


Are you watching? Do you see what is here, Lord? Do you see what is happening to the people that I love? (...that you love...more than I could ever know...more than I could ever even imagine?)


"Have you any idea how beautiful you are?
That in a million years, I could not love you more?
Like the sun can only shine so bright in the auburn sky,
You will never be abandoned,
I will never leave you stranded,
I will die to find a way to reach you...

There is no ocean deep enough,
No mountain high or steep enough,
To keep Me away from you...
There is no highway long enough,
No river wide or strong enough,
To keep Me away from you..."

Hmmm. Really?
Even though?
Even though I come to you as such a broken mess?
Even though I bring to you a heap of pain, and failure, and things-I-wish-I-would-have-done-better?
Even though?

Maybe you don't know what I am asking...
Let's break that down...

What-I-am-asking...

I:
Human.
Failed.
Selfish.
Cruel.
Judgemental.
Angry.
Bitter.
Broken.
Shameful.

Asking:
Miracle.


"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain,
Holy, Holy is He...
Sing a new song to Him who sits on heaven's mercy seat.

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty,
Who was, and is, and is to come...
With all creation I sing,
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything,
And I will adore you..."

Holy. Worthy. Almighty.

You, God, are all.


You are all.
The Beginning.
The End.
The All.

You are all, and you are able, and capable, and willing...
You are All.

You are All.
You are Healing.
You are Power.
You are Majesty.
You are Amazing.
You are Beauty.
You are Strength.
You are Grace.
You are Mercy....

You are Mercy.

Mercy: When you deserve justice, but instead receive grace.


How is this? What is this? Mercy? Our words, our actions, our thoughts, our movement, our every-single-breath deserves justice, swift and fierce, but in the same breath, You and Your Love and Grace deliver us mercy. Mercy.

Mercy.

How amazing?
How breathtaking?
How unreal?
How undeserved?
How great?

"The splendor of our King, clothed in majesty,
Let all the earth rejoice....
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide,
It trembles at His voice...

How Great is our God?
Sing with me...
How Great is our God?

Age to age He stands,
Time is in His hands...
Beginning and the End...
The Godhead, three in one,
Father, Spirit, and Son,
The Lion and the Lamb...

How Great is our God?

Name above all names,
Worthy of all praise,
My heart will sing How Great is our God!!!!"


"Much Afraid" Jars of Clay
"Hold Fast" MercyMe
"No Ocean Deep Enough" Paul Alan
"Revelation Song" Karie Jobe
"How Great is Our God?" Chris Tomlin

Genesis 28:15
Romans 8:28
Jeremiah 29:11
James 4:8

Psalm 32:8

Oh. My. God.







When I say that, I really don't mean it in a "valley-girl-Paris-Hilton-gen-x-Kardashian" sort of manner, I mean it in a truly fall-to-my-knees-and-beg-the-ear-of-my-God sort of way.



Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.



My God. My most high, most holy, most majestic, most worthy, most can't-even-find-the-word-for-it God...You are here. You are beside me as I write these words, You are present as I feel the overwhelming need to put voice to my deepest heart again.



You...You are the reason, the only reason, I know to cling to. You are beyond human reason, beyond human understanding, beyond an answer, and I will simply cease my childish antics and leave the tantrums behind. I will stop pretending that there is a human voice that will have an answer that supersedes Your wisdom, stop yielding to the idea that man-knows-best because the reality is screaming to the obvious...man. does. not. know. best................



man keeps dying...

we keep dying.....

children keep dying....

women keep dying....

men keep dying....

sweet, squishy babies with their soft skin and sweet smell keep dying...



little blond girls with blue eyes keep being sold, and raped, and keep dying...



precious brown-skinned boys keep being enslaved and beaten and keep dying...





There is a part of me that wants to call out to you, God, and scream... "do you hear me?!? Do you hear them, Lord?!?"





And then that same part of me is quieted, and comforted by with, what I can only imagine...



what I hope, and pray, and beg...



and beg...

and beg...

and beg...





everything.





Everything.





Everything that You promised.


Everything that You promised.


Every single thing that you have ever promised, and promise me today, and will promise FOREVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...........................
and ever.


Amen.


Everything that You have ever offered, and given, and promised...the very same thing that You have given to me....


What You have given to me....


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


and then a whisper...what you have given to me....








What-You-have-given-to-me is the gift that You give to them...


You give that gift to all of us.


You give the gift to me, and to them, and to her, and to him....


You give to us a whisper...




That is what you answer with... a whisper.





I hear Your whisper, and it is that whisper that has brought me to write here for the first time in...well, ever...



Awestruck by your power....





"Do you hear them, Lord?!?"



And through Your unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming way-of-uttering-adjectives-useless-in-any-other-way... You breathe into me the hope that these precious, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, words-don't-quite-grasp-the-pure-gravity-of-the-worth-of-their-being babies of Yours...they matter to You.



They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to me.
They matter to me. They matter to me.
They matter to me.


Dear God, I hit my knees at this very moment and beg of you one thing...that they will matter to me. In this moment, without doubt and without any thought for anything else, I beg that you will give me your heart...


Give me Your heart, Lord...


Give me Your heart, Lord, so that when I hear the names of each of these children, it will absolutely and entirely break me. I beg You...break me, Lord.


Break me for You, Lord...


Break me for Your children, Lord...


Break me for Your will, Lord...




I beg you to break me beyond repair, so that I will never again live a single day that
I do not weep for Your children, the ones that You have not yet brought me to...


Break me.........................................






Break me daily.


Daily, break me.


Daily, I beg of You, Lord, break me....


Daily, I beg of you, Lord, break me...


Break me, Lord, so that I will somehow find a way that I might fulfill your will here. Break me so that I will daily feel the pain of human suffering, and abandonment, and shame....so that I will feel them outside of my sheltered existence....Break me so that the pain that your precious children who are trapped beneath fear's roof feel is finally brought to someone who deserves it, but has somehow been spared....by divine grace.


Let me show Divine Grace in each and every breath that I ever take....


I will rest now, resting only in the knowledge that You are waiting...
You are waiting to let me find You, so that I will be fully available to You, with no part of me held back, all of me at Your beck and call, so that Your will should finally be fulfilled in me.................finally...........