Oh. My. God.







When I say that, I really don't mean it in a "valley-girl-Paris-Hilton-gen-x-Kardashian" sort of manner, I mean it in a truly fall-to-my-knees-and-beg-the-ear-of-my-God sort of way.



Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.



My God. My most high, most holy, most majestic, most worthy, most can't-even-find-the-word-for-it God...You are here. You are beside me as I write these words, You are present as I feel the overwhelming need to put voice to my deepest heart again.



You...You are the reason, the only reason, I know to cling to. You are beyond human reason, beyond human understanding, beyond an answer, and I will simply cease my childish antics and leave the tantrums behind. I will stop pretending that there is a human voice that will have an answer that supersedes Your wisdom, stop yielding to the idea that man-knows-best because the reality is screaming to the obvious...man. does. not. know. best................



man keeps dying...

we keep dying.....

children keep dying....

women keep dying....

men keep dying....

sweet, squishy babies with their soft skin and sweet smell keep dying...



little blond girls with blue eyes keep being sold, and raped, and keep dying...



precious brown-skinned boys keep being enslaved and beaten and keep dying...





There is a part of me that wants to call out to you, God, and scream... "do you hear me?!? Do you hear them, Lord?!?"





And then that same part of me is quieted, and comforted by with, what I can only imagine...



what I hope, and pray, and beg...



and beg...

and beg...

and beg...





everything.





Everything.





Everything that You promised.


Everything that You promised.


Every single thing that you have ever promised, and promise me today, and will promise FOREVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...
and EVER...........................
and ever.


Amen.


Everything that You have ever offered, and given, and promised...the very same thing that You have given to me....


What You have given to me....


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


What-You-have-given-to-me...


and then a whisper...what you have given to me....








What-You-have-given-to-me is the gift that You give to them...


You give that gift to all of us.


You give the gift to me, and to them, and to her, and to him....


You give to us a whisper...




That is what you answer with... a whisper.





I hear Your whisper, and it is that whisper that has brought me to write here for the first time in...well, ever...



Awestruck by your power....





"Do you hear them, Lord?!?"



And through Your unbelievable, indescribable, overwhelming way-of-uttering-adjectives-useless-in-any-other-way... You breathe into me the hope that these precious, beautiful, amazing, brilliant, words-don't-quite-grasp-the-pure-gravity-of-the-worth-of-their-being babies of Yours...they matter to You.



They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to You.

They matter to me.
They matter to me. They matter to me.
They matter to me.


Dear God, I hit my knees at this very moment and beg of you one thing...that they will matter to me. In this moment, without doubt and without any thought for anything else, I beg that you will give me your heart...


Give me Your heart, Lord...


Give me Your heart, Lord, so that when I hear the names of each of these children, it will absolutely and entirely break me. I beg You...break me, Lord.


Break me for You, Lord...


Break me for Your children, Lord...


Break me for Your will, Lord...




I beg you to break me beyond repair, so that I will never again live a single day that
I do not weep for Your children, the ones that You have not yet brought me to...


Break me.........................................






Break me daily.


Daily, break me.


Daily, I beg of You, Lord, break me....


Daily, I beg of you, Lord, break me...


Break me, Lord, so that I will somehow find a way that I might fulfill your will here. Break me so that I will daily feel the pain of human suffering, and abandonment, and shame....so that I will feel them outside of my sheltered existence....Break me so that the pain that your precious children who are trapped beneath fear's roof feel is finally brought to someone who deserves it, but has somehow been spared....by divine grace.


Let me show Divine Grace in each and every breath that I ever take....


I will rest now, resting only in the knowledge that You are waiting...
You are waiting to let me find You, so that I will be fully available to You, with no part of me held back, all of me at Your beck and call, so that Your will should finally be fulfilled in me.................finally...........